Marshaun Olaniyan

Life & Relationship Strategist

Author of “Reignite Your Relationship by 7X”

It’s a new year! Even more special than that it’s a new decade.  Happy New Year and New Decade!

              What would make this new year all the more special? Wouldn’t it be great to discover yourself? I mean the true you. The one without the limiting beliefs about yourself. Wouldn’t it be awesome to share who you really are with the world and especially your partner or even your future partner? There is no time like now to get you all the way together in every area of your life. Why not start now?

          You see I used to struggle with knowing myself years ago. I would go along with what everyone wanted me to do. I would rarely speak up for myself when I was being disrespected. I didn’t realize I had a voice and I should use it. Yes, this was the younger uninformed me. Because I didn’t know who I was, I would go along with a potential boyfriend’s program; having no guidance, just going with the flow in the hopes that he would choose me as his girl. I didn’t know I could or even should take the time to choose him back. I mean I had no clue that I needed to qualify men to have me on their arm. I was just happy for any attention at all. I didn’t think I was ugly or anything, I just never received the proper training from my parents when it came to choosing a man and especially the right man for me.

              After many years of trying to figure things out, including within my first marriage and countless dating experiences that would go nowhere after that marriage, I decided to do some hard digging into me. Yes, me, myself and I. I wanted to understand who I really was outside of being my mom’s daughter, a sister and a friend. Who was I? On my own. What were my thoughts? What did I like? What did I dislike? How was I currently showing up to the world and in my dating life? How did I want to show up to the world and with the potential men I dated? After my first marriage dissolved I went on that roller coaster, for 14 years, jumping from one dating situation to the next with no girlfriend title in sight, let alone an engagement or wedding, I decided enough was enough. I took a hiatus from dating to discover who I was. This was the best decision I’ve made almost 6 years ago.

             I want you to have the same feeling of making the best decision for yourself so you do not stay stuck in the dating or even relationship cycle that goes nowhere. You see most people think that getting the guy or girl is the hard part but really this is just the beginning. No one tells you how to stay in your relationship nor how to keep it as healthy as possible. Keeping your relationship healthy and thriving starts before you enter the relationship. It starts with you!

              It starts with you taking a deep dive into knowing who you are, what you want and what you desire from yourself first and then choosing a qualified partner to come together in order to create a healthy relationship.

                So how do you discover who you are? I’m glad you asked and I have seven tips for you to consider and to incorporate into your life.

          1. Distinguish your thoughts from the thoughts of others.

           Do you wait to make decisions after you have talked to several people and got their opinions? Are you constantly nervous that the decisions you make will be the wrong ones? Do you have uneasy feelings about making decisions overall? You probably haven’t figured out your voice yet and discovered that you can make great choices and decisions on your own.

           Take a step back and own your decisions even if things do not go your way. Understand that this is quite normal. No one makes all the right choices. You are no different. The more you make a conscious choice to decide without needing to seek the opinions of others, the stronger you get with distinguishing your thoughts from the thoughts of those that are ingrained within you.

           2. Rely on yourself more often.

           Just like distinguishing your voice from others so you can make your own decisions you must rely on yourself more. You must begin to trust yourself, your thoughts, your decisions, your dreams, your choice of partner, your choice of career and even your choice to start your own business. Do not go along with what everyone is doing if this does not sit well with you. If you are yearning for more then start doing something towards what makes you happy each day. Do not concern yourself with how big or small the task is. The purpose is for you to start relying on what it is that suits you before needing to hear from another person before you start to take action.

          3. Access your relationships.

          How many of your relationships are healthy? Does each person lift you up or bring you down? Are you scared to walk away from him or her because they have been your friend for many years or even a family member? Do you feel as though you owe this person or people your loyalty? Have they given you their loyalty? When they are around do you find yourself more joyous or sad, angry, frustrated and/or hurt? If most of the people around you bring you more negative feelings than happy feelings, it is time to start clearing them out of your life. It is time to start to find new loyal friends who think like you and have mutual respect for other people and their opinions.

          4. Discover what your values are or what’s important to you.

           5. Find new ways to bring meaning to your life by being intentional about your choices.

          So you often go through each day without a plan? Are you constantly working on someone else’s dream and too scared to do something about yours? Are you dating just to find a man or a woman so you do not have to feel lonely? Start being intentional in all the things you do. Plan out each day the night before so you can know what your day looks like tomorrow. This will help you feel like you’ve succeeded and won the day instead of floundering about. If you have dreams to leave your 9 to 5, then think about what you’d like to do in life and start to change your life’s direction one day at a time. When it comes to dating, slow things down. Qualify the guy or girl before hastily jumping into a relationship and/or a marriage. Have you seen this person mad? How do they react? Have you talked about you two will live out your future? Has at least 12 calendar months past before saying I do. This will give you a good view of who this person is. This will give you a chance to see them in every season. You two will have a deeper bond as long as you two continue to date and get to know one another. It’ll also help you see the real person and not the guy or irl who showed up in the beginning. Finally, it’ll give you a chance to access if you like being around this person for a long period of time.

           6. Don’t believe your negative thoughts.

           Negative thoughts. We all have them. They are not going to disappear. However, you can let the thoughts come and not hold onto them. Do. Or feed into them or dwell on them. Just let these negative thoughts pass by. People get into deep negative feelings when they allow these negative thoughts take over their way of thinking. Know that your mind wants to keep you safe from all harm. Also know that you must push past these thoughts because they are actually fears that are keeping you stuck in the same place never to venture out.

           7. Immerse yourself in solitude.

           Why solitude? Solitude will help you here your own thoughts. Solitude will open you up to new ideas. Solitude will help you understand things you never understood. Solitude is that secret weapon so you can hear and act on your intuition. Solitude gives you the opportunity to start to believe in yourself. When you slow down and think you give yourself the power to heal and to see what part you played in things. Thinking is one of the hardest things to do because most people don’t like to or are scared to deal with what they may hear. We’re so busy in the technological world trying to be connected that we are losing the connection with oneself and those in our close proximity. This is one of the most powerful ways to discover yourself. Find 10-15 minutes each day even if the time is broken up into smaller increments to get by yourself so you can think and grow.

           Taking the time to discover who you are will save you from many, many mistakes and feelings of shame and guilt. Discovering who you are and who you want to be in life and in love is a journey. It’s one that is well worth it to do. You will see so many benefits in slowing down your life and your mind so you can clearly see who you desire to be in the future. Take the time to discover yourself. You’ll be happy you did.

 

           Need help with discovering yourself before, during or after a failed relationship? Sick and tired of your relationships not working out or moving forward? Let’s talk! Send me a message at marshaun@marshaunolaniyan.com.

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